So this story happened a really long time ago but the pain of remembering makes it feel like it happened today. I was young (9 or 10 I believe) and visiting my cousins. They have a lake house not too far from their normal house so we were staying there for a couple of days. I was running around the place, inspecting all the rooms, completely awestruck by the ENORMOUS glass window in the den, the refrigerator with a BUILT-IN freezer below the fridge part, the TWO bunk beds in the kids' room, and the SLIDING glass door of the shower. I thought my cousins must have been the richest family in the country, even though all this stuff was pretty common in the mid-2000s.
The next question my inquisitive brain inquired was "What do rich people have in the cupboard under their bathroom sink?" Apparently, checking the bathroom cupboards of people you are visiting is a hereditary trait, but more on that later. I grabbed the little knob and opened it quite eagerly to behold... barely anything at all. Their undersink cupboard had as much bathroom supplies as Philly has tolerance for scammers. Naturally, the NEXT question I asked myself was "Could I fit in there?" Hell yeah, I could fit in there! I pushed the air freshener and roll or two of toilet paper off to the side and crawled in headfirst. There wasn't room for me to move my body around, but I still made it all the way in. Once I was fully inside the cupboard, I reached back to grab the door and close it.
Total darkness. The same enveloping pitch-black shade regardless of whether my eyes were open or closed. As a kid who slept with the lights on, I had never experienced anything like this. I don't remember being scared, just sort of uncomfortable. I decided I wanted to get out. At that very moment, the bathroom door opened and someone walked in. I figured it would be best if I just stayed completely silent and still until they left. I heard the interloper sit down on the toilet seat to pee. I was dealing with a female, it seemed. They got up, used a bit of toilet paper (definitely female), and walked over to the sink to wash their hands, completely unaware that the little door at their thigh level concealed a very uncomfortable face-down ass-up little boy who wanted nothing more than for them to leave as soon as possible.
It was then that the worst possible development began. I felt a fart coming on. It would compromise my position and generate an awkward experience that I'd have to deal with every time I saw my cousins, or infinitely more often if this mystery porcelain patron was a member of my immediate family. I knew from prior experience that, in case of emergency, spreading your butt cheeks with your hands can effectively silence a fart. You are welcome to ask me how I know this as long as you're okay with not receiving an answer. Anyway, I gripped a cheek in each hand (over my pants and underwear, of course) and spread them as much as I could. That was when the cupboard door was opened, light flooded in, and my mom witnessed me with two handfuls of my own caboose just as a fart that sounded like air releasing from a beach ball escaped from between them.
We've never discussed this.
The next question my inquisitive brain inquired was "What do rich people have in the cupboard under their bathroom sink?" Apparently, checking the bathroom cupboards of people you are visiting is a hereditary trait, but more on that later. I grabbed the little knob and opened it quite eagerly to behold... barely anything at all. Their undersink cupboard had as much bathroom supplies as Philly has tolerance for scammers. Naturally, the NEXT question I asked myself was "Could I fit in there?" Hell yeah, I could fit in there! I pushed the air freshener and roll or two of toilet paper off to the side and crawled in headfirst. There wasn't room for me to move my body around, but I still made it all the way in. Once I was fully inside the cupboard, I reached back to grab the door and close it.
Total darkness. The same enveloping pitch-black shade regardless of whether my eyes were open or closed. As a kid who slept with the lights on, I had never experienced anything like this. I don't remember being scared, just sort of uncomfortable. I decided I wanted to get out. At that very moment, the bathroom door opened and someone walked in. I figured it would be best if I just stayed completely silent and still until they left. I heard the interloper sit down on the toilet seat to pee. I was dealing with a female, it seemed. They got up, used a bit of toilet paper (definitely female), and walked over to the sink to wash their hands, completely unaware that the little door at their thigh level concealed a very uncomfortable face-down ass-up little boy who wanted nothing more than for them to leave as soon as possible.
It was then that the worst possible development began. I felt a fart coming on. It would compromise my position and generate an awkward experience that I'd have to deal with every time I saw my cousins, or infinitely more often if this mystery porcelain patron was a member of my immediate family. I knew from prior experience that, in case of emergency, spreading your butt cheeks with your hands can effectively silence a fart. You are welcome to ask me how I know this as long as you're okay with not receiving an answer. Anyway, I gripped a cheek in each hand (over my pants and underwear, of course) and spread them as much as I could. That was when the cupboard door was opened, light flooded in, and my mom witnessed me with two handfuls of my own caboose just as a fart that sounded like air releasing from a beach ball escaped from between them.
We've never discussed this.
Thanks so much, dude. I appreciate it.
