Well, if you're being serious, I hope you know what you're up against aha . I suggest doing it on like a Thursday and staying home all weekend to let it grow out a bit if it will at all. Because you will find it really awkward to walk and you may need to stick like a piece of toilet paper in between your crack to ease the irritation .
Sit like right in front of your bathroom sink on the ground, put a mirror so it's facing your butt, then take your scissors, lift your legs, and trim away my friend .